To My Son Merlin
by Momma Midnight
Summary: Hunith always knew there was something special about her son. It was a different kind of special. Something only mothers will notice. It wasn't very obvious but still she could tell that her son wasn't going to be your typical type of boy. AU/ Modern. Kid!merlin, adult!merlin. Rainbow Acceptance. One shot. Coming out fic.


To My Son Merlin

by Momma Midnight

Disclaimer: Merlin belongs to the BBC and everyone else in the world except me.

A/N: I write this as a human being. I support love in any way it comes so long as it is not violent, abusive or unwanted. It is often adversity that makes people stronger. Be true to yourself, be honest and above all be respectful.

Warning: There are demeaning words used within this story, please do not take it personal. There may be a slight trigger warning, I have tried to keep things generalized because I know this can be a sensitive topic for some.

Enjoy~

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Hunith always knew there was something special about her son. And it wasn't because he was exceptionally smart for his age or that he had an air of maturity about him. It was a different kind of special. Something only mothers will notice. It wasn't very obvious but still she could tell that her son wasn't going to be your average type of boy.

When he was seven, Merlin wanted to become a baker. Being a single mother, she wanted to support his decisions so she would often take him to the library to study recipe books. They spent many hours going over muffin recipes or how to make butter cream vanilla cake. When he was eight, she enrolled him in a little chefs baking course and became the judge to all of his creations, no matter how undercooked they may have been. He loved it and it made her happy to see him enthralled in something and giving it his full attention. Pancakes were his favorite thing to cook and every Sunday morning, with supervision of course, Merlin would cook pancakes and serve it to her on a tray with a flower and a vase.

It hadn't occurred to her that this love of cooking could be a sign of something else. She had merely attributed it to his love of food. Merlin was never a picky eater, much to the envy of most of her friends whose children would fight them to not eat. Merlin rarely ever rejected food, and if he did, it was usually for a very good reason.

At school, Merlin was always known to be fun loving and kind. His large smile, big bright blue eyes and endearing oversized ears won him the hearts of everyone he came across. He had many friends, though most of them were girls. His teacher always commented about how polite and chivalrous he was by choosing to play with the girls instead of rough housing it with the other boys. By the age of ten, Merlin had grown to be nearly her height, though he was still incredibly thin.

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By the age of eleven, he no longer wanted to be a baker but a fashion designer.

This came about when they were at the local charity shop. Hunith had been hunting for a replacement lampshade for the one that broke in the sitting room, when Merlin had come to her with a dress up doll in one hand and a collection of doll clothes in the other. He had begged her to buy them for him. His bright blue pleading eyes bore into her own and rendered her speechless that she couldn't deny him.

Hunith could count, on one hand, the number of times that her son begged for anything. The last time he had begged for something, it was when he was ten and he saw a pink and black striped apron. The embroidery on it said 'sassy chef' and Merlin absolutely loved it.

That same night, Merlin had spent hours dressing and undressing his doll. He was completely absorbed in it as he was when he first started learning to bake. A month after purchasing the doll, he had approached her with the desire to learn basic stitching. Not much of a seamstress herself, she taught him what little she knew and he learned eagerly. It came down to more trips to the library for books on needle stitching and pattern making.

After four months, Merlin had designed and created several miniature sized clothes for his doll. By then he had collected a few more of them, including a few male dolls as well. She should have seen the signs then, as obvious as they were. But for whatever reason, Hunith just couldn't piece together the clues. To her, Merlin had simply created a pink tuxedo suit for his male doll. She thought it was cute. What was wrong with a pink tuxedo?

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By the age of thirteen. It dawned on her.

She was outside watering her lavender plant when a gathering of teenage boys, right around Merlin's age, walked down the street laughing and kicking a football around. They were speaking so loud it was hard not to hear them as they made minor lewd comments about the girls in their class. Talks of breast sizes and uniform skirts made their way to her ears and she realized that those boys were at the age to start thinking about the opposite sex.

But yet her own son never made any mentions about the girls in his class or if he had any crushes on any of the girls there. All he ever spoke about was his best friend Will.

That's when it made sense to her. Looking back at all the signs that she had missed, she wondered how she ever did. It was obvious now. The baking, the dolls, the apron, the pink tuxedo...

Her son was gay.

Her son liked boys.

Or rather, he will like boys. Since he only just began puberty, there was a good chance that he hadn't discovered that side of him just yet. But for a mother who loves her son more then life itself, she finally noticed. And her heart broke at the realization because now she wasn't just raising a son, she was raising a gay son and that itself brought about more complications then any typical boy would have.

For months after that revelation, she spent hours searching the internet and reading stories from other parents whose children had confessed their sexuality. Some stories were funny, making her laugh out loud at how cute these kids were. Others made her cry in outrage at how closed minded some parents could be to their own child. So what if their kids preferred their own gender? What harm came from two women loving each other? Or two men for that matter? Some of the words used to describe homosexuals made her burn with anger and disgust. Words like 'faggot, queer, homo, pervert, fudge packer, bean licker...', and so many more demeaning and simply ignorant homophobic slang, just broke her heart completely.

She vowed then and there never to allow anyone to call her son, or anyone else's sons or daughters, demeaning names like that. Ever.

She was so angry, so disgusted that she used those emotions to write a letter. She ripped a sheet of yellow notepad paper and slammed it on the table before grabbing a pen. Tears fell from her eyes with every word. Wet spots colored the yellow notepad paper, smudging some of the ink. By the time she was done, she felt like the weight of the world was off of her shoulders. Her tears had dried and she hid the paper in her favorite book.

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By the time Merlin had turned fifteen, everything had begun to change. All of her intuition had been right in that her son preferred the same gender. As it so happened late one night when she was going to the lavatory around midnight, there was light shining from underneath Merlin's bedroom door. It wasn't uncommon for him to fall asleep with the light on while doing homework. More than once, she had to go in and turn the light off after shooing her son to bed.

Thinking that this was the same, she was unprepared to walk in on her son gazing at naked men on the internet. She had soundlessly opened the door, so Merlin hadn't heard her come in. And it took everything she had to stifle the gasp of shock that wanted to break free. She froze for a moment before stepping backwards quietly leaving the door slightly ajar. He wasn't masturbating, much to her relief, but he was clicking through several web pages of incredibly attractive men. Some had short hair, others had long. Most had well toned physiques and...well endowed packages.

She blushed at the images. It had been fifteen years since she'd seen a full grown mans privates after all. But she did notice that there was a pattern. All of the men had tanned skin and rich blond hair and blue eyes. She smiled to herself. It seemed her son had a type.

She was about to walk away quietly and save him the humiliation of being discovered when she heard it. A sniffle.

"What's wrong with me?" She heard Merlin whisper to himself, wrapping his arms around his head as he placed his forehead on the desk. He started to sob, his shoulders shaking with emotion. "God what's wrong with me? Why can't I like girls instead?"

His gut wrenching sobs nearly broke her. It took everything she had not to go in there and hug her son. Tell him that nothing was wrong with him. But every support group blog that she had read mentioned letting the child come to terms with their sexuality before confronting them. That it was better if you let them come to you when their ready. It never said it was easy though.

It was with great strength that Hunith forced herself away from the door of her sons bedroom, and away from his sobs. And it was with even greater strength to pretend nothing was wrong when he showed for breakfast with red rimmed eyes and a cherry nose.

His fifteenth year was an incredibly emotional one for both of them.

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When Merlin turned sixteen, things changed again, but in a better direction. That was the year Merlin brought home Will. Will was a darling boy with shaggy dark blond hair and mischievous blue eyes. More than once she had caught her son giving side glances to his best friend whenever they sat in the sitting room studying together. Merlin's attitude had completely changed when Will came around. Her son had gone from mopey silent to upbeat and chatty. She would often find them spending the majority of their time together, playing video games or practicing stunts on their skateboards. The summer before they began their sixth form, they had spent nearly every waking hour together. So much so, that Hunith had begun to think that Merlin had found the love of his life.

All that changed when they returned to school.

Merlin had come home one afternoon stomping through the door and locking himself in his bedroom. He turned on his music and let it play loudly for hours. She had spent over an hour trying to get him to come out but he only turned the music louder. After some time, she leaned against the door of room and listened for any sound from within. She was sure that if she tried hard enough, she would be able to hear his sobs underneath all that racket.

She saw Will a week later walking to school holding hands with a petite brunette girl.

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It was when Merlin turned seventeen that she noticed him staring at her. He would watch her whenever they went shopping or would watch a movie. At first she hadn't thought anything about it, but then one night, during their movie night, it got to be so obvious that she couldn't pretend not to notice any longer.

"Is there anything on your mind precious?" She asked calmly. Wondering if this was the moment that her son would come out.

"Mom why didn't you ever remarry?" He asked quietly.

That was not exactly what she had been expecting but she went with it, "I don't know. I guess it's because after your father passed away, god rest his soul, I didn't feel I needed another man."

He bit his lip unconsciously, "But didn't you want to have more children?"

"It hadn't really crossed my mind." She said impassively. Trying to keep her nervous anticipation out of her words and demeanor. She didn't want to scare him away from confessing if that is what he wanted to do.

He stayed quiet after that, and it was much later as the movie neared its end, that he summoned up another question.

"H-have you thought about having grand babies someday?"

She paused in putting the popcorn in her mouth before answering, "Once, a long time ago I had thought about you giving me a grandchild."

"What if I don't give you any?"

She could see from the corner of her eye how nervous he was. Merlin had a habit of bunching his shirt whenever he was scared of something, and it occurred to her that he was scared of her rejection.

"Then I don't get any." She said simply. Trying to keep the disappointed tears from leaking. It hurt knowing her son was afraid of being hated by her. It hurt something fierce.

"You wont be upset?"

"Never." She said thickly. "Whatever you decide for yourself, I'll support you one thousand percent."

After that awkward conversation, Merlin began testing the waters so to speak. He wasn't sure about where she stood on the topic of homosexuality and it made her sad and angry that her own son had no idea of her acceptance.

But she literally could have slapped herself on the forehead for not realizing that she had never made any comment about it before. So deciding to make things easier for him, she was going to leave a trail of bread crumbs for him to follow.

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One of the first crumbs she left for him was on her next day off. She made sure that she timed it right and that Merlin would find her watching a gay film. The movie was about a few good looking boys from America that were gay. It told the story of their romances and their heartbreaks. She started watching the film while he was still at school so that when he got home, the film would have reached its' emotional peak and Merlin would find her teary eyed and glued to the telly. It didn't take as much acting as she thought it would. She genuinely did get caught up in the film and by the time Merlin walked through the door of the townhouse, she was weeping over a sweet old man that died and an equally sweet boy by the name of 'Benji' that had overdosed and nearly died.

She knew that watching her cry over a film like that had set the stage for him, but it would require more crumbs to really draw out her son.

Still though, it was somewhat funny to watch her incredibly tall son try and console his mother over a gay romance movie.

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On one of their grocery trips, she lied and made a big fuss about being insulted at their local grocer, so as to make the trip to a part of town that was immersed with a trendy gay community. It took some planning to locate the area and to time it right. She wanted to go on a busy day and when she knew that most of the customers would be gay.

This was a make it or break it situation. There were simply too many gay couples walking about to pretend not to see them. She made the effort though, to show her son that people were simply people. When her trolley bumped into another couples trolley, a lesbian couple. She was sure to be polite and witty. She could feel Merlin watching her, observing her behavior as they, more then once, bumped into couples.

In line waiting to purchase, a couple ahead of them held hands and kissed in public. Two good looking lads. One big muscular boy with no sleeves, and the other a smaller and decidedly cute boy with long hair and a wolfish grin.

Behind her and Merlin, a man dressed in a business suit snorted in disgust. "Fags"

Merlin stiffened, as did the two boys ahead of her. Hunith, for her part, remembering never to allow anyone to insult gays with those demeaning words, turned to set him straight.

"Pardon me, but did you offer me a cigarette or did you really call those boys what I think you just did?"

"They're a bunch of fuckin queers. They should go back to their perverted caves, the lot of them." The man spat.

"I would suggest you refrain from further insulting these boys unless you want someone insulting you." She said taking a step closer to stand directly in front of him.

"Back off lady." The man said, stretching himself taller so he could tower over her.

"Why? What are you doing to do? Assault me? I may be half your size but I'm not scared of you." She growled crossing her arms in disapproval. "What must your mother think? I'm sure she didn't raise her son to be so closed minded and insecure of his own sexuality that he has to insult others who are." She made sure to raise her voice loudly, gathering the attention of all the other patrons. "She must be so disappointed to see her son belittle others because you yourself are scared of something you know nothing about. It's a shame really. No mother wants to see her son so afraid of something that he has to bully others to make himself feel better, more important. Delusional confidence is exactly what that is, delusional." Her face felt red and hot. She could feel every eye in the store on her, watching her. Merlin stood behind her watching her as well.

And that alone was worth the effort of pretending not to be scared of the bear sized man. She wasn't going to allow herself to show fear so that her son learns it too.

The man, flustered and embarrassed as well as angry, threw his items to the ground and marched out muttering under his breath.

There was silence before a slow building applaud rose throughout the store.

"Oy, my lady. That was brilliant!" The long haired cutie said smiling, tears in his eyes. "I wish me own mum had stood up for me like that. Your son must be proud of you. I know I would be." he said, giving Merlin a trembling smile.

A knot grew in her throat as all manors of couples approached her for a thanks or a hug. Some with tears, and others with kind smiles. It broke her heart that so many sweet and loving people simply wanted to be accepted.

Behind her, Merlin stayed silent, but a small smile graced his face when he thought she wasn't looking.

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It was a week after that event that all her hard work and breadcrumbs came to fruition. She had been sitting in the armchair, stitching a button on her uniform when Merlin called out to her.

"Mum?"

"I'm in the sitting room." She said before softly swearing as the needle poked her finger.

He slowly walked into the room, his hands fidgeting with his shirt in the tell-tell sign of nervousness, and something inside her told her this was it. "Mum, I have to tell you something."

"What is it Merlin?" She asked, her heart racing.

He took in a deep breath. "I'm gay."

She had dreamed for this day, longed for this day, practiced her speech of acceptance everyday for the past few years, just for this day. And suddenly she couldn't open her mouth to speak. So many words rushed to come out that they clogged in her throat and burned inside there. Her vision began to blur and her lips began to tremble.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go! She had planned to stand up and hug him and tell him she loved him. She wasn't supposed to cry.

Merlin went white, his hands started shaking. He bowed his head disappointed. Tears falling down his face. "I'm sorry mum! I don't know why I'm like this. Please don't be angry with me!"

Her shoulders shook with the effort to say something to reassure him. But nothing came out. She watched as he dropped to his knees, hands in his head, sobbing loudly. Brokenly.

It was all going wrong! She opened her mouth to speak but only a choked sob came out and she covered her face with her hands in anguish.

"Please say something mum! Please!" Merlin cried, clutching the end of her skirt. He buried his face in the fabric.

She needed to say something but the words just weren't' coming out. Then she remembered something. Standing up, she wiped her eyes and walked around him. He watched her through watery eyes and clung to her skirt. "Please don't leave me. Say something please!"

She walked over the bookshelf and retrieved her favorite book. The Metamorphosis. She handed it to him and with a barely audible few select words that she could manage, whispered out, "I find this book always helps me to feel better in my own skin."

He took the book as he watched her leave the room and into the kitchen. Tears continued to rain down his face, he tried to stop them but to him, his whole world came crashing down around him. He sat there on the floor staring listlessly at the book before noticing a piece of yellow paper sticking out at the top. Opening it, he took it out and unfolded it to read.

_To My Son Merlin,_

_Since the minute your were put into my arms on the day you were born, you have been my greatest treasure. The greatest gift I've ever received in all of my life. _

_And If you're reading this then you've decided to confess your homosexuality. And all I can say is that I don't care. I don't care what you choose or whom you choose to love. I love you. I love you and I support you and all the decisions you make. _

_It has been a few months since I discovered you would be gay. I guess I should say that I'm writing this letter as you are currently doing your homework. If you are much older when you are reading this, then know that my Merlin is thirteen years old and has made the most darling pink tuxedo for his male dress up doll. He loves making pancakes for me every Sunday morning. He still calls me mummy and loves his 'sassy chef' apron. _

_I love my Merlin and I love you. _

_I will admit that I do feel sad that I won't get to have that conversation about being a gentleman with the woman of your choice. And to not get any girl pregnant without the means to support them. But I guess I can still tell you a few things._

_Don't have unprotected sex._

_Do love yourself and trust in your decisions._

_Don't let anyone belittle you or make you feel insecure about yourself._

_Do love as much and as often as you can._

_Don't think for one minute that I'll ever stop loving you because you prefer men._

_Do and always remember how much you mean to me._

_That's all I can say to you. You are your own person and I will love you in whatever package and whatever color of the rainbow you choose to come in._

_You are my greatest treasure. Here, now and forever._

_Love, _

_Hunith_

_._

She had left through the kitchen doors to hide outside as Merlin stayed quiet inside reading her letter. It was an impulsive thing to do at the time. She really hadn't planned on giving it to him. She spent years perfecting a speech she thought conveyed her thoughts better, but maybe that was why she choked. Because so many years had been spent practicing it, it no longer had any emotion to it. Whereas the letter was written during the height of her emotion and on the day she truly accepted her son for who he was and was going to be.

"Mum?"

Merlin opened the door, the letter clutched tightly in his hand. Tears were still in his eyes and he looked around for her until he spotted her. He wasted no time rushing to her and enveloping her in a tight hug.

"I love you so much mum! Thank you for everything! Thank you for not hating me!"

She wrapped her arms tightly around him. He was so much taller then her, she clutched at whatever she could. "I could never hate you." She whispered thickly, "You are my precious treasure."

And she meant it, every single word, she meant it.

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A year later, Merlin had moved into the apartments of his university. It was lonely at home without him, but he always made sure to call her every evening and tell her all about the classes he was taking and the friends he had made.

He never made any mention about the boys he was probably dating even when she would ask him. Some things never change, she thought.

So it was a surprise to her, during winter holiday, that Merlin had brought home a handsome gentlemen.

"Mum this is Arthur. Arthur this is my mum, Hunith."

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you Mrs. Emrys. Merlin talks about how wonderful you are." Arthur said, kissing her hand like a true gentlemen.

She blushed, "He's a keeper Merlin."

"Mum!"

She chuckled while inviting them inside. She watched as Arthur opened the door for Merlin and then waited for her to enter before closing the door behind him.

Arthur was indeed a keeper.

A blond haired and blue eyed keeper.

Some things never change indeed.

~fin~

a/n2: I pumped this out in one day. Not half bad. Now I'm off to continue with the Nimueh saga of the Dragons Princess. Tootles~


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